For Dad
Congratulations! The Baby is here but we are sorry to say that the pregnancy hasn’t exactly ended. It will take your wife anywhere from 6 weeks to three months to return to a non-pregnant state. Which is different from her non-pregnant self. Her “self”, her figure, her energy, the girl you married might not be visible for a while, but hang in there! All of the research done on post partum recovery conclusively draws a common thread between the father’s support, the mother’s happiness and the speed at which she recovers. You play a very important role in the wellness of your new family. Go Home Gorgeous has some tips, advice, gifts and relaxation services that can provide the support you need while you are supporting your wife during her postpartum recovery.
What’s a Dad supposed to do?
Fathers today are at a bit of a disadvantage compared to fathers of many years ago when it comes to post partum care and recovery. These days there are so many pressures to “do” the right thing, and yet very little guidance to help you figure out what that is. Unlike previous civilizations and societies, our modern culture does not carve out exclusive roles to guide the new Dad through the post partum period and into fatherhood. For example, in India the father would fire roast the mother by stoking a fire 24 hours a day for six days. The heat form the flame that he created would help her sweat out the toxins, and the more she sweat the faster she would recover. The faster she recovered the sooner she was up and able to help in the fields. Women in the village helped her care for the baby but the father was solely responsible for caring for his wife. In Egypt, a new father would dig a sand pit each day for seven days and it was his responsibility to bury his wife in the sand, which would absorb the sweat that carried the toxins and expedite the healing in her body. Each of these examples illustrate a specific role that the father played in his wife’s recovery and he knew exactly what was expected of him during that time. Those ancient mates also had the wisdom to know that the sooner she was better the sooner things would go back to ‘normal’ and she would resume her pre-pregnancy duties. Today, it seems that the only modern post partum ritual for a new father is a visit to Target the night the new mom comes home. In today’s world, we don’t have specific rituals for the husbands. It can be easy new dads to think that there is really nothing that they can do to help her. Some might feel that they are most useful back at the office. Literally, most of the studies show that the more helpful and involved you are now, the more quickly your wife will recover. The happier you all will be and the sooner things will fall into a rhythm of normalcy. These days, we are fortunate in many ways. You have the freedom to develop your own way of helping her through the postpartum recovery period. Further down you will find a list of ten things that you can do to help your wife, your baby and yourself through this time.
Where is Everybody?
It may feel like you don’t have the social support you need. It wasn’t all that long ago that a father–to-be anxiously paced the waiting room, surrounded by buddies who passed a flask eagerly awaiting the birth of the baby so they could receive the celebratory pink or blue wrapped cigar. I was so struck by how isolated my husband looked as he sat across the hospital room from me, blackberry in hand, sending text messages to friends and family after the birth of our first baby. Where was the fan fare? Where was the party? It might be easy to romanticize the days of yester year captured in black and white movies. The fact remains you guys don’t have much support during this time. During this fourth trimester you are probably home more than normal, trying to balance between work and life with a baby, while figuring out the needs of your wife. That’s just the way it is, for now. Very temporary. Soon, you will be able to fall into more comfortable, familiar habits. This time of learning your baby is precious, and fleeting. Keep in mind that where you can actually go out and do things were it acceptable, she can’t right now. Try to keep in mind that you can go out for a beverage, you can go to the gym, you can and should find ways to get the outside support you need. No one wants a stressed out husband. Bear in mind that she cannot go to the gym, a restaurant or a movie. Not for a while anyway. Put yourself in her shoes and know that within reason you are her only connection to the help she needs. You are her HERO! While it might be crazy for both of you, IT WON’T LAST FOREVER! This is a bonding time between you and the mother of your child. Enjoy it. See below for our tips on how best to support her during this time.
“Doing What You Love” versus “Loving What You Do.”
It can be really easy and feel really good to go back to work earlier than you had planned. At work, you probably know what is expected of you and you are comfortable about what you do. Even if you have the hardest job in the world, it’s probably easier than being a first time Dad with no idea of what to do. Your wife may get mad or irritated with the way you burp, hold or change the baby. Maybe you are reluctant to hold, burp or change the baby because you are afraid you are going to do it wrong. Guess what? As long as you are safe, loving and well intentioned, there is no “wrong” way. She may do it differently but as long as the baby burps, unharmed, has a dry diaper and is in your loving arms, it’s fine. She may get to ‘know’ your baby a little bit sooner than you because she is doing most of the feeding and tending and she may have some accurate insight into it’s likes and dislikes. Don’t disregard her suggestions, but find a way to merge them with what you intuitively know. Maybe the sound of the baby crying makes you crazy and you can’t stand it? Maybe you just don’t like taking care of the baby and it’s not the experience you thought it would be. You may not like what you are doing, but you do love the person/people you are doing it for and with. You love that baby and even if you have to chant it to yourself as a reminder in the middle of a bout of colic, you love that baby. I think a fathers intuition can be stronger than a mothers because you have some distance and perspective, have probably read fewer books on child rearing and maybe you aren’t as tired as a new mom. Listen to yourself and love that baby!
A chilled beverage…
Take the break you need to get out. Have that beer, get a good work out in or just do something that you love to do with your friends. You have to stay strong and stay sane through out this process or no one wins. Nature can be very calming and stress relieving as well. Just taking a walk, breathing, and looking at nature can help reduce your stress and might actually be healthier than having a beer. But yes, I did recommend going out for a beer. (That by the way so doesn’t mean go out and get wasted and be worthless the next day.) But go out and blow off some steam with guys you trust. Ideally, friends who have had young kids and can relate to what you are going through. Celebrate a little. Gently remind your wife that her day will come where she will get to go out and breathe with her friends. Write her a cute note or make a coupon that she can redeem for a night when she is ready, while you stay home with the little one. Know that she wants to see you happy just as much as you want her to be happy. No one wants a stressed out husband. Get out and have fun, but be respectful of yourself and of her feelings.
Bonding with your baby…
Think back to something new that you had to learn that was difficult. Anything. Remember how inadequate you felt, frustrated and how hard you tried to overcome whatever it was. Training for a try-out, studying for an exam, taking on a new job responsibility. Now think about how rewarding it was to make the team, pass the test, hit your sales quota, what ever it was. Parenting is an evolutionary process. It will be the hardest and most rewarding part of your life. The time that you take NOW, upfront, earlier on to master the seemingly impossible: getting that baby to sleep at night, knowing the difference between a hungry cry and a tried cry. These things will pay HUGE dividends both as a father and a husband. There is no “I will really get in there when it can walk, or throw a ball, or drive a car.” You are your baby’s parent today. Right now. It may seem to come so easily for her that you think “Why would I bother trying to burp, or soothe the baby when she does it better?” But you bother. You try. You find a way to better connect with your baby for your sake. So you can build up the confidence and the connection with this little person, which will make parenting more familiar and comfortable. Your wife needs a life too. Someday she may go out for a night, or go on a trip. You don’t want to be a Dad that doesn’t know what to do. You want to be a great dad! A fun dad! The dad that is the Dad you want to be. It starts now my friend. If you listen to yourself, lead with love and safety, you can do no wrong.
Top Ten Dad Tips
While Go Home Gorgeous isn’t going to recommend that you bury your wife in the sand we do have some advice that should help you through this “fourth trimester.”
Know that your words and actions will have a significant impact on the
well being of your family. This is always true for anyone in a family
unit. It is especially important for you to keep in mind during this
time. Your support for her is critical to her recovery, which is
critical to her well-being and the happiness of your new child. You
will set the tone for your household.
Being a new dad might evoke in you feelings about your own childhood,
or the way you were raised. You might want to be just like your Dad or
nothing like him. Listen to yourself. Find a quiet moment, in the car
or where ever and really spend some time thinking about what kind of a
Dad you want to be. Just know that regardless of what expectations you
put on yourself, or notions you have about what makes a good dad, you
are a good dad. You are a great Dad. Simply because you are taking the
time to read this means that care about your role in this family. Your
baby loves you because you are you. Blank slate. No baggage. That baby
loves you from head to toe. You are doing it right.
Babies information receptors are completely primal. They know senses.
They tend to be much more familiar with their mothers smell, touch
and feel because they are often held against their mothers bare skin.
They are feel, smell and taste their mom, making them closer to her.
A great way to bond with your baby and to get him/her familiar with
you-your smell, touch and feel is to hold your baby
skin to skin. Take off your shirt and hold that little warm body right
up against your chest. There are probably very few people in your life
that you can hold so intimately. The more your baby knows you, the sooner
it will feel comforted by you. Also the more familiar you will be with your
child's the sooner you will be able to comfort the little one and anticipate his
or her needs.
No baby needs two exhausted parents. Two of you getting up in the night
is just silly. However, sleep deprivation is dangerous. It can skew
judgment, erase short-term memory, and contribute to general
unhappiness, moodiness and emotional imbalance. Even if the baby is
doing well and getting 4-5 hours of sleep at a time it’s still not
enough sleep for a grown up. If you are working Monday through Friday,
help out on the weekends by bringing the baby to her so she can feed it
and then you take care of burping, changing and laying the baby back
down. Or give the baby a bottle so that she can catch up on her rest.
Stay hydrated as best you can. Rest when you can. If that means
hiring out help to do the little things, grocery shopping, the lawn,
housecleaning, and errand running, get it. We have a huge roster of
highly skilled people ready to help you 24/7. From night nannies who
will tend to your babies every need while you rest, to massage
therapists who can relax you and bring a centering calm to your nervous
system so that you can actually sleep instead of tossing and turning.
We have errand runners who will take your list and make to-do items
done. We have house cleaners who use all natural baby friendly products
to do the deep clean. If you need anything please call us, we are here
for you 24/7.
Another way to help prevent a new mother from getting sleep deprivation
and a way to make her happy is to do stuff. If you see a full laundry
hamper, put it in the wash. If you eat on a dish, wash it. If you are
hungry cook for you and her. Common sense. That way she won’t go to bed
extra tired because she spend an hour or two straightening up before
bedtime. And she won’t wake up to a dirty sink, which can make anyone
want to stay in bed. By the way, there is also no need to point out
what you have done. She will notice it on her own and even if she
doesn’t say anything- you don’t need to be thanked for doing the little
things. You are a team member of this household and just like any
wining team you have to pull your weight. The more you
do, the happier she will feel and the more useful you will feel. The
household will be better for it. Big picture.
Postpartum blues can happen to you too. Watch out for signs of baby blues, or depression:
- Feelings of depression, fatigue and anger that surface within a few months of the birth and don’t go away.
- The inability to sleep when tired, or sleeping all the time.
- Feeling helpless and hopeless.
- Having extreme concern worry or total lack of interest in the child.
- Inability to enjoy anything
You and your wife are each other’s mirror during this time. She cannot
see herself, and may not even recognize that she is feeling, or not
feeling a certain way. Just as you bond with your baby bond with your
wife. Be a safe place for her to tell you how she is feeling and just
listen. She isn’t sending out the bat signal needing to be rescued, she
might just be letting it out so that she can move on. Sometimes by
verbalizing a feeling or lack of a feeling she will be able to let it
go. And the same goes for you. (And I talk about ‘this’ and the part
about letting you go out for a beer in the mom part, so she’ll hear
this too!) She can see you better than you see yourself. If she brings
up that you seem detached, sleepy, manic, depressed, listen without
being insulted. At any point in time if you need to talk to someone
else, or worry about the safety of your wife or your baby run don’t
walk. Call for help immediately. Call her OB GYN, your doctor, or
1-888-530-2211 a postpartum depression hotline, or 911.
www.postpartumdepressionhelp.com is a great resource as well. We
will also do our best to connect you with the support you need.
Be on the look out for weeks four through six. This is a time that can
be very challenging. You may have had it easy up until now and have
been wondering what all the postpartum fuss was about. Reality can hit
hard during this time. Your visitors and family may have gone home,
taking their extra set of hands with them, prepared meals may be gone.
Your wife may be frustrated that nothing still fits her. Sleep
deprivation is starting to really take its toll and quite possibly you
are expected to be back at work, functioning at a normal speed, when
you are just dragging on the inside. We can help ease that transition
with night nannies or an in-home massage that will help you rest more
soundly.
If you are too tired, too overworked and too empty to do the extra
things that your family needs right now, find someone who can. Hire
someone to help. If you can’t hire someone find someone to swap
services with. Mow a neighbor’s lawn in exchange for some baby sitting
hours so your wife can take a break. Even if you arrange a 30 minute
break for her the effort that you put into making her life easier and
the action of showing her how much you want care to help her will come
back to you ten fold and contribute to years of a stable and loving
relationship.
Sometimes, especially with a first-born child, dads are a little under
prepared in the clothing department. You certainly don’t want your
little one to spit up on a good suit, or even nice work out gear. But
you most certainly don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to get down
on the floor with your little one and play, or pace the hallways
soothing a spitting up little one. Identify some Dad gear that you have
that you don’t necessarily care about that could take the brunt of your
messy baby. Change as soon as you get home so that you can hold your
little one without being distracted by your material goods.
Sometimes there can be a sense that once the baby is born things will
get back to 'normal'. This can become the mantra of an
expecting dad who is anxious to return to the physical relationship
that he once had with his wife. Sexual intercourse during the last
weeks of pregnancy can be uncomfortable for both partners. Which
sometimes means that by the time the baby comes it has already been
awhile since there was intimacy. So being told to wait another 6 weeks
can be torture. Try to put yourself into her shoes. Giving birth can be
physically horrific, compiled with the daunting task of now tending to
a newborn can make any new mother completely disinterested in sex.
That does not mean that she is disinterested in you, or doesn't miss you
too. Do your best to be as helpful as possible. Allow her to rest when she
can, encourage her to get outside even for 15 minutes a day-without the
baby. The smallest breaks can be so helpful, and exposure to sunlight will
make her feel better. The better she feels, the better everyone will be.
Ask yourself too if maybe you are feeling extremely anxious about something
else; bills, baby...life. Sometimes feelings of sexual frustration are misplaced
anxiety over other issues. Solving or addressing the underlining issue can help
ease anxiety and make you feel more comfortable.